The 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse (couples therapy)

The Gottman Institute identifies these patterns as “The Four Horsemen”: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. They are the harbingers of relationship challenges, but not inevitabilities.

For every negative pattern, there is an antidote—a step towards understanding and growth. This blog explores these communication pitfalls and their remedies, inviting couples to transform their interactions into steps that lead back to each other.

1. **Criticism**: Verbally attacking personality or character.

- *Antidote*: Talk about your feelings using "I" statements and express a positive need.

2. **Contempt**: Attacking sense of self with intent to insult or psychologically abuse.

- *Antidote*: Build Culture of Appreciation; remind yourself of your partner's positive qualities and express gratitude for them.

3. **Defensiveness**: Victimizing yourself to ward off a perceived attack and reverse the blame.

- *Antidote*: Accept Responsibility; acknowledge your part in the issue.

4. **Stonewalling**: Withdrawing to avoid conflict and convey disapproval, distance, and separation.

- *Antidote*: Physiological Self-Soothing; take a break and spend time doing something soothing and distracting.

Gottman, J. M. (1999). The marriage clinic: A scientifically based marital therapy. W. W. Norton & Company.

https://www.gottman.com